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| Advice from Ms. Knowitall |
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| Send your questions on any subject to msknowitall@womenscom munityconnection.com |
| Address your questions for Ms. Knowitall t o MsKnowitall@ womenscommunityconnection. com. If you have a question but do not have e-mail access, send your question to WCC/Ms. Knowitall, 2544 N. Champlain Ave., Tempe, AZ, 85281. If you sign your name (you don’t have to) it will not be printed. All letters are kept confidential. Any advice given is the opinion of Ms. Knowitall only. WCC does not take responsibility for any bad advice that appears in this column. |
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| Dear Ms. Knowitall, I have been with my partner 10 years. We are both in our 50s. We have our difficulties but we do love one another. However, she has been getting increasingly depressed and is turning to alcohol for solace. Unfortunately, alcohol makes her behave in an angry, often violent nature. She hasn't hit me, but I am getting more and more concerned about the possibility that it could happen as the episodes are getting worse. I have suggested counseling and/or AA, but she won't go. When I try to leave (even to get out of her way so she can pass out and sleep it off) she blocks my exit. Later she is always remorseful and promises to be better in the future. After a recent episode I checked with some family members to see if I could stay with them if necessary and store some of my belongings. My financial situation had been strained and I couldn't afford a place on my own, but I do pay half of all the bills my partner and I share. Now I have a place to go and my partner is traveling for work and will be gone for three weeks. I hate to pack and run, but I think that'a the only way I could do it without a huge scene. My partner begged me to help her before she left. She promised to not drink (again) but I'm not sure if I should believe her or take this opportunity for a safe exit. I'm torn between helping the woman I love or getting out of a situation before it becomes worse. Any suggestions? Signed, Help or Run Dear Help or Run, It sounds as if your partner's disease has progressed to the point that you are now communicating with IT, rather than with her. Indicative of that is the dangerous behavior, the anger, the violence, the denial, and yes, the false promises. The disease is trying to protect itself in any way it can. It will say and do anything to continue to keep your partner drinking. You are experiencing an alcoholic who is not ready, willing, or able to help herself at this time. You cannot help her. Ms. Knowitall will repeat that for you. You. Can. Not. Help. Her. When an addiction is in progress, the tendency for those close to the addict is to go into overdrive trying to make everything be or look the same as it used to be. This becomes a sickness in and of itself, and it sends a message to the addict that no matter how far down she spirals, others will pick up the slack. Right now, she has both you AND her addiction, not a big motivation to make any changes. Generally, addicts will not get help unless they /hit bottom/. /Bottom /is when the pain of being an addict becomes greater than the pleasure of the addiction. Many times it means losing a job, a partner, a place to live, etc. So let's explore your other alternative. Leaving at this time does not mean you love your partner any less. In fact, it's possible that leaving might greatly accelerate your partner's willingness to get help. The fact that you have family members willing to help you is a gift. Seriously consider taking it. Then immediately, if not sooner, take yourself to an Al-anon meeting and educate yourself about this insidious disease. Your instincts are good. Listen to them. And one last thing: If your partner does seek help as a result of your leaving, it does not necessarily assure an addiction-free future. It may not even indicate that she is truly in recovery. Give her a chance to build a solid foundation before you consider re-uniting. You can support her from afar. She must do it for herself, not for you. All the best, |
| Dear Ms. Knowitall, I've been dating a woman, I'll call her Jane, for a couple of months. It's not real serious yet, although neither of us are dating anyone else. We see each other every weekend, and maybe once or twice during the week. Yesterday she announced that she would be hanging out with her friends next weekend, just catching a movie, maybe going to the bar after that. She didn't invite me. I was hurt by that. It's not like they were doing anything that would be ruined if I were there. They're just going to hang around in public places. And, I'd like to meet the friends she talks about. Do you think that this is something I should worry about? What do you think it means? Does she not want me to meet her friends? Do you think she's hiding something? Dating someone else? Jane thinks the way I feel about this is ridiculous. Is it? I'm questioning whether I should let this relationship go any farther. Jane says that is ridiculous too. Left Out Of Social Encounters Dear L.O.O.S.E. Hate to break it to you, but for a person who describes a relationship as "not real serious yet" you are seriously overreacting. Unless Jane has given you a valid reason to mistrust her in the past, jumping to negative conclusions and implying that a night out with her friends may be grounds for discontinuing the relationship is unwarranted AND ridiculous. Even couples who are serious make plans that don't include each other. Granted, nobody likes feeling left out, and to be clear, the "feeling" is valid. It's the over-reaction that is irrational, and will be counted against you when a potential partner is deciding whether or not to proceed from dating to partnership. So if you ever want to meet those friends, keep your fear and insecurity to yourself instead of making it her problem. Develop new methods to cope with your insecurity. Try these exercises: 1. Identify your fears. 2. Ask yourself: Has ____ given me any reason to fear these things? If so, then re-evaluate the relationship. 3. If not, then dig down past your emotional response to a place of reason and logic, and assume the best of people until they give you reason to assume the worst. 4. Remind yourself that no amount of badgering will stop a person from doing the thing you fear, and in fact, will be more likely to cause a negative outcome. 5. If the four steps above fail, and you still need external reassurance, then take responsibility for it. Don't say, "I'm hurt that you didn't invite me." Say, "I'm feeling a little insecure about not being invited." 6. When an attempt is made to assuage your fears, allow yourself to accept it. Don't try to control the other person's behavior. Conquering insecurity isn't easy because often it stems from events in your childhood that caused you to doubt your self-worth. Those feelings will come up time and time again. The goal is not to try to erase the feelings, but to identify them quickly enough to interrupt the dysfunctional behaviors that no longer serve you as an adult. |
| Ms. Knowitall, Don't you think it's rude when people call and say, "It's me." Often it's said quickly and the listener has no idea who "me" is. One day I had three such calls and didn't recognize any of them from the opening two words. After they started talking, then I could figure out who it was. Frequently they call on the answering machine and leave such messages as "It's me. Give me a call." Rarely does this mythical person get a call because I don't recognize their voice. Please encourage people not to test their friend's voice recognition skills but to simply say, "It's (insert name here)." Dianne Post Dear You, Since the world revolves around "me" it is not surprising that people will identify as such and will further expect everyone else to know who "me" is. Is it rude? Not really. Is it stupid? Apparently, since "me" risks not getting a callback from "you." Since "you" signed your name to this inquiry, "we" will let your friends among the readership know that "they" should always identify themselves by name when they call "you." Love, ME...um... |